I shut my alarm off and rub my eyes, I’m awake and it’s a new day! I’m happy, optimistic and eager to get moving, believing that today, I can do anything! I sit up, swing my legs out of bed and place my feet on the floor, and in that moment…. sigh, I am reminded of my reality. I reach for my walker, and if my legs say "not today", I’m forced to reach for my chair. I slowly make my way to the bathroom. Every step reminding me of my limitations. I look in the mirror and I am flooded with the notion that I did this, and quite honestly that sucks. My mind goes rampant, questions popping in and out of my head, the most prevalent question -“but why?” Living with the repercussions of my actions are in my every movement and my every thought. But I can’t just wallow in self-pity, can I? Even though that would be so easy to do. No - I have to keep moving. I owe it to myself to fix what I’ve done, and I know God and I trust Him, and because of that I am hopeful. But that doesn’t mean its been easy, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.
Even after all this time, I’m still searching for answers, for some type of conclusion to make sense of all that’s happened, but I don’t have any and that’s frustrating. My counselor tells me that I’m suffering from a version of PTSD which leaves me blocking out a lot of the before and leaves me searching in the after. Experts often say that sharing your story will help you heal, give you clarity and answers, so that’s what I’m doing… I’m sharing my story with whoever wants to listen. So far, it really hasn’t help me though, at least not in the way that I was expecting. But if they are right and sharing means healing, then I have to keep sharing and I can’t think of a better way than becoming completely vulnerable and opening my life to the world.
So for the last 12 months I have been working with some incredibly talented people and we're making a movie. A record of my innermost feelings and thoughts - my disability and my fight to recover – my relationships – my struggles - my hopes and my dreams and it's scary! In the beginning I was skeptical and really anxious about being a part of this film. There were so many rumors circulating about what I had done and the reasons behind it all, and unfortunately some of those were very hurtful. But they were just rumors, people trying to piece together something that they didn't understand, but that gave me fear... lots of it. If my peers did this, what would the rest of the world do? How would they see me? It’s one thing to share with my friends and family and here on my website, but it’s scary to think that people far and wide will be dissecting my life. What will they think of me, of my actions? Will they think that I deserve this struggle, or will they cheer me on? Will they find me likable, or will I get the wrath of ugly sentiments on social media? So many what ifs, but honestly, does any of that really matter? I don't think that it does. What matters is what being transparent with my struggles will do for my healing process and for others as well.
So, despite all that fear, I pressed on and over this last year I have bared my soul to a camera. I have grown so much through this process. Having to relive certain moments of my life over and over has changed me. My perspective is shifting on how I thought things were versus how I see things today. Still, as silly as it sounds, even going through all of this, I still don’t have concrete answers to my question of why, and most days I don’t think that I ever will. But I continue to evolve through this process, and I’m learning that it’s okay to not have the answers because God holds our answers. He keeps them close and He reveals them to us when we are ready. I'm not ready. So until then, I continue to press on, and this movie has become so much more than my healing or my coming to terms with everything that has happened. It has become a platform to make a difference, an impact. And I really believe this film will do just that... impact others. Even if it's just one person. I know that I have to do my part. I believe that God wants me to show the world all the good that He is capable of and all the good He has done in my life, to touch people, to speak to their souls and to give them Hope. I'm excited to spread goodness and share God’s glory and spread hope!
I really hope that you will take the time to watch this film when it's released later this year. Until then you can keep up with clips, behind the scenes action and stories of other amazing souls on any of the links below.