“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
In these last eight months there were times that I felt like my world was crashing down around me. Many times I felt fear and heartbreak, but what I have come to witness is that my world was not ending, only changing. It is through God’s grace that my fears, and my heartbreaks were turned into blessings.
Fear - I spent 12 weeks as an inpatient at the rehab hospital, and getting discharged was something I dreaded every day. I was so afraid to come back to the place where everything went so wrong. A few days before my discharge, my therapists, my family and I did a walk through at my house to be sure I would be able to get around using my wheelchair. I had hoped that visiting home would change my feelings and maybe get me a little excited for my return. It didn’t. All I kept thinking was how hard it was going to be. At rehab there was 24 hour care, and I was never alone; there was always a nurse, a personal care assistant, or a therapists there to help me and to push my limits. My biggest fear was that because those people weren’t coming home with me I would stop making progress. I had come so far and I didn’t want it to stop. I was so scared that if I was not within the 100 foot radius of the inpatient gym that my progress would pause and I would get stuck. The first month home was a huge adjustment, it was hard. Having to change the way you do something that you’ve done one way for your entire life is no simple task. I was in a bad place for the first few weeks. I was angry with God that I had to be home so soon. Why couldn’t I stay where I was making gains and getting better? I wasn’t ready to be home. But in my darkness there was light, and things began to change. I began to develop a routine and my feelings started to shift. I was forced to do more things on my own and through that I discovered the beauty of my journey and how to appreciate it. Regardless of how I initially felt about coming home, I learned how to adapt, and my healing and progression have continued. I haven’t looked back since. I am becoming a stronger, better version of myself… in every way. God knew my fear and He met me there. He always knows what’s best, even when I don’t.
Heartbreaks – I’ve had many heartbreaks, but those I felt coming home sometimes still make my heart ache. I have been extremely blessed when it comes to friends. I have always had many. I was told that in the days after my incident the waiting room at the hospital stayed full. Many of my friends gave blood and platelets. Several overcame their fear of needles and a few even passed out. While I was in both the hospital and rehab the days that I had no visitors were far and few between. I felt so much love and support. But returning home, I had no idea how things would change. I had no clue how busy my friends would all be, starting senior year, preparing for college. I had no clue how busy I would be; getting back into my life was draining. Most times, it was hard to make plans and even harder to keep them. It seemed as though my friends and I were growing apart. When we did spend time together it sometimes felt like we no longer had things in common. It was hard to find things to talk about, and because of this, sadly I’ve lost touch with some. I was heartbroken by what was happening. Once again I found myself angry with God, feeling alone and forgotten. There was already so much to adjust to, why did this have to happen too? Why couldn’t things just be the same? Why couldn’t I still have that same relationship with my best friends? Why couldn’t my boyfriend and I have made things work? Why did I feel like I was missing out on so much and losing everything? I just kept asking why. All the while my heart broke for what I felt was fading away. But then I remembered how great God is, and that He doesn’t forget about anyone. Look at all He had already done for me. His plan for my life meant moving forward to new things. He saved me for a reason, and I believe He strategically placed new people in my life when I needed them most, to help me heal, grow and to teach me how to walk with Him. But even so, I was heartbroken about the changes God was making in my life. You see, when you’re my age, your friends are everything and the thought of losing them hurts. But I understand now that God is blessing my life by adding new people, people who are at the same place in their lives as I am. He’s bringing me people that I need right now and even a few that need me. I'm excited to grow with those He has chosen for my life right now. Please don’t mistake my words, I love all of my friends, old and new, and I am thankful for and cherish each and every one.
Our lives have seasons, and some are long and some are short, but each come with a lesson. Every season, every person is a part of your story. We may not understand why some things happen, or why some things don’t. Why some people stay and why some go. But one thing I know is that at the start of every day we should lay our fears and heartbreaks at the feet of Jesus and say “I trust you.” He has been where we are going, so we can face each fear and heartbreak with a little bit of Hope.