What would life be like without seasons? Everything remaining the same; no death, no new growth. I feel like the seasons of life are always changing for everyone else. But for me, I seem to just stay stuck in this one season; this one very long season. You know in movies when there's one person standing still and everything around them is moving so fast its all a blur, and you can hardly make out where they are? That's exactly how I've been feeling, like everything and everyone around me is moving in fast forward and I'm stuck on pause. My friends are starting college, traveling or starting new jobs. Everyone is moving on to the next phase of their lives, and me... well I'm still here, just trying to recover. My days are long and I often find myself getting lost in them. I feel like my battle is never going to end.
Everyone tells me how far I've come and to keep working and just be patient. But patience is something that I have never been good at. I always want things now without any hesitation. I've never had to learn patience like I do now. I know that God's timing is perfect and things don't always happen when we want them to, but even knowing that, it's sometimes still so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and to just be patient. Especially when everyone around you is changing seasons and you're not. But I have to remember that God knows exactly where I am, and He knows exactly when my season needs to change. Because when my circumstances are out of my control, He is still in control. I just need to keep trusting Him, because He knows me best. I need to remain a faithful and honest servant to Him.
Sometimes I wonder how can I be honest with God though, when honesty with myself has always been such a struggle. Lately it's been particularly difficult. There are so many lies in my head telling me that I'm not good enough, that I will never be where my heart desires me to be. So many lies telling me that because of my conditions, and because I'm not where I once thought I would be at this point in my life, that I should just give up because I'll never get there. So many lies that have caused me to completely side step my feelings... again. It's so hard to be completely honest when the enemy fills your head with lies. I've been finding it very difficult lately to know exactly what to say, I just can't seem to find the right words, or even to know how I'm feeling. But you know what? It's okay, because what I do know is that God loves me. He understands me even when I don't understand myself. He knows what I'm trying to say when I don't have the words. I'm learning that It's okay to be unsure of my season in life, because having the love of God means that we can be unsure because He is confident. We can be weak because He is strong. We can grow weary because He will not. His truth is always louder than the enemy's lies, we just need to listen to Him and trust in Him.
So why is God is keeping me here in this season? Maybe He's teaching me patience, to allow me time to figure out who I really am, and who He has created me to be? Something I'm starting to realize is that in order for me to fulfill His plan, I have to be stripped from everything, that I have to re shift my focus onto what truly matters. He is forcing me to be honest - no matter how hard or how raw it may feel. Isn't it amazing how He uses our brokenness to show us the true beauty that's inside of us? If we just commit to our walk with Christ through every season of our lives, if we don't allow the lies of the enemy to take up space in our minds, and we remain patient and honest with ourselves and with God, then we can enjoy a fruitful life filled with new growth and fresh blooms.... no matter the season.
I had been working on this particular blog for a few weeks. I finished writing it on Saturday night, but I hadn't decided if I wanted to share it or not because I wasn't sure if I had expressed my feelings the way I needed to. I've been having a hard time understanding my feelings lately. Sunday morning in church the message spoken was similar to what I had written about. As I sat and listened I thought, 'this is God's way of telling me that I am exactly were I need to be, and He is reminding me that I need to continue to share my story.'
Don't let the enemy interrupt our purpose - We serve a Mighty God!