I AM - one year later


Remorseful, Discouraged, Resentful, Afraid, Undeserving, Hesitant, Anxious, Insecure, Nervous, Fearful, Tearful, Inhibited, Exposed, Stuck, Stunned, Replenished, Joyful, Hopeful, Grateful, Loved, Rejuvenated, Saved. All of these words describe me in some way; each a part of who I AM.

I Am.. Remorseful for my actions. When I look back to my past, the saying 'forgive and forget' comes to mind. I think back to the way my mind used to operate, and I can honestly say that at times, I am dumbfounded. All those things that I thought were important, those decisions that I made for fear of missing out or fitting in or pleasing others don't even cross my mind anymore. I have to admit that I am a little embarrassed by some the decisions I've made. But there are always lessons to be learned in every situation, and we should embrace our faults and learn from each experience. Self forgiveness is hard, but it's important. It's a big step in moving on from the past. For me, forgiving myself for things that I have done and moving forward from them is something that is difficult. I struggle with the guilt of my actions, but guilt is a useless emotion without a lesson learned. I'm still working on applying that concept to my life, and I vow to no longer let my poor choices define me. I will never be able to truly grasp the Lord's grace, but I know that in my remorse He forgives.

I Am.. Undeserving of this second chance. Remembering June 7, 2017, and knowing where I was that day... what I had done, the physical state of my body, my emotional and mental brokenness, I would never have thought this is where I would be today. Do I deserve to be here? Do I deserve to have all this progress, all this healing? Do I deserve all this support and love? Sorting things out, making time for it all, righting my wrongs, and trying to make good with this second chance God has given me is no cake walk. Working to become deserving of all that I've been given is draining, and I’m certainly no pro at it. In fact, I’m pretty bad at it. I often get mixed up with what comes first, what I should be focused on, or what’s really important that I mess up… pretty badly sometimes. I still do and say the wrong things a lot of times. But I keep trying, I keep getting better and I keep moving forward, because while I make mistakes and I may still be undeserving of many things, God IS deserving of all things good and I want to prove myself worthy of the second chance I've been given.

I Am.. Anxious of what’s to come. I’ve always been a worrier, still am, and anxiety plagues me. I worry about what I’ll do next, or what will happen in the future. Will things ever be back the way they were for me? Sometimes my life feels like it’s never going the change, like I’m stuck, sinking in quick sand and no matter how hard I push to overcome it, I just cant move. How, why, when and where paralyze my mind more often than they should. It exhausting… fast even. But you know what? Life is too short. Too short to not stop, look around and be thankful. Too short to not strive for excellence, and fight for your dreams. Too short to not try and live your best life every day. Too short to not appreciate and love fully. Too short to not thank and glorify the God who is responsible for all that life has to offer. Too short to let anxiety have control. I know what you’re thinking… easier said than done, and you’re right. I get it, because I know that the hows, whys, whens and wheres paralyze your mind too. I also know that when this happens and we want to ask those questions we shouldn't because it’s not for us to worry over the answers. God has shown me that He will reveal His purpose and plan for each of us, we just need to trust Him.

I Am.. Fearful of time. Time Flies. It's a simple phrase that we use to describe the way time moves, how it waits on no one and just passes by so quickly. This morning, I opened my eyes and an entire year has passed… just like that. Time doesn't stop for us to catch up, and for me life is completely different now. So many days I wished for a remote control to fast forward time so that I could jump to the day when I can walk again, drive again - just skip everything, all the pain and all the anguish, and go straight to the day I get my independence back, the day I’m “normal” again. But that device doesn’t exist. If it did we wouldn't only skip the bad stuff, but we'd be skipping the good stuff too and that would be a shame. We just have to come to terms with time and how it passes. Are we going to live in it, or watch it go by? Throughout this past year I've learned to appreciate time. My eyes have been opened to the beauty of life and the time we are given. Even though 'time flies', there is more of it to come. We should take pause in that truth and appreciate it. We should live in each moment, cherish our time and see the good in every situation; and because God’s timing is perfect, we can do it all without fear.

I Am.. Grateful for my life. I think back to where I was one year ago today, and I can appreciate everything all over again. All the good, all the bad and all the ugly. The people I've met and the opportunities I've been given. The people I've lost and the opportunities I've missed. Reflection changes perspective, and I have done a lot of reflecting this past year. And through reflection, I am reminded daily of the never ending love of God. How He chased me down when I denied Him, how He fought for me when I was unable, how He gave me strength to overcome any obstacle, and most of all how He has never left my side. His faithfulness is something I can never fully repay and for His mercy I am forever grateful. I will live my life for Him.

I Am.. SAVED! Living for Jesus was the best decision I ever made. Being saved doesn’t make things easier by any means; it just makes it all worth it. As I said before, I'm not perfect, and being saved doesn't make me perfect. But God IS perfect and He finds the perfectness in my imperfections! His love has given me a new found hope and outlook on life. I know that there IS a plan for me. I know that there IS a reason for my struggles. I know that I AM chosen and that He calls me by name.

So Today, one year to the day that I believed my pain was more than I could bare, when the enemy lied to me and tried to destroy me, and despite the myriad of emotions that I Am.. I will celebrate my salvation! God is making moves in my life, I AM His child. My pain has become my platform and my brokenness... my blessings! Whatever you are walking through in this moment, I challenge you to turn to God. Cast your fears on him, He is waiting to move in your life too. He is the greatest I AM! Trust me.... It’s worth it!

XO

Emma


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