We all hide emotions. Some people are better at it than others; but everyone does it. Each person's motives are different when it comes to sweeping their true thoughts and feelings under the rug. Some may be because they are afraid of judgement from their peers, others may be because they feel like no one would understand how they feel. I for one have been guilty of doing this, keeping quiet in fear of shame or criticism. One thing I've come to learn is this, your silence will not protect you. Keeping every feeling, every guilt, every worry, and every fear to yourself won't do you any good.
June 7, 2017 I pointed a gun to my chest and pulled the trigger in an attempt to commit suicide. I had come to my lowest low, I felt trapped. I should not have survived that attempt. It is by the grace of God that I am able to gather my thoughts, move my fingers to type and tell people my story. My story doesn't have a specific timeline, and to this day, 6 months later, I still couldn't tell you exactly what happened the morning of June 7th. A lot of people want to know when I began feeling 'different' or 'depressed'. Looking from the outside in, no one knew what I was feeling. I was always happy, smiling and I laughed a lot. I'm considered the 'funniest' in my family. I had a lot of friends and was always on the go. I made varsity cheer as a freshman and I made good grades. I had just spent 3 days modeling for a local senior photographer in New York City. By all accounts, I was a healthy and happy teenager. But most times, it was fake. I had mastered the art of pretending that everything was okay. Truth is though, I was never really okay. People liked me, but no one really understood me. I spent the majority of my life trying to make everyone around me happy, all the while neglecting my own feelings; my true feelings. I lied to my loved ones, telling them what I thought they wanted to hear. I lied to my friends, my teachers, pretty much everyone I knew. I thought that if everyone around me who I cared about was happy, then I would be too; but I wasn't. No matter how hard I tried to please everyone, I still felt empty. I never knew the reason why, but now I do. You can't fill emptiness with fake and false pretenses. I know now, from having this experience, that we all have something to live for. My life is forever changed now, both physically and spiritually. But I know that I have a purpose to fulfill, God's purpose for my life.